How To Disciple Through Forgiveness

It is not uncommon that the first thing a person tiptoeing around the term forgiveness says is "I'm just not ready to have that person back in my life."
So let's talk about the boundaries and proper accountability when it comes to Forgiveness.

1. Don't ever assume someone thinks they need to forgive or be forgiven. Sometimes it can be easy to think that a person knows they have wronged another in some way. When talking about who should and should not know what is wrong, it all depends on spiritual maturity. When speaking to a non-believer, we can assume they may not know what accounts for inappropriate behavior. You can also take into account upbringing. Exposure to lifestyle can very well be attributed to the "Why did this person do this?" question. When talking about Christians, we must consider how mature they are in their walk because assuming they know how to conduct themselves in an appropriate manner. You might be hurt by gossip from a fellow Christian and in reality, attending church on an occasional Sunday doesn't make someone a seasoned Christian. A person must have accountability and growth to be considered a knowledgeable Christian.
2. Don't assume leadership knows. Don't assume leadership doesn't know. I know that sounds confusing so let me explain. Many times you can be hurt by church leadership over a decision they didn't even know was made. Without that conversation to investigate how much they know, there just isn't another way to know. When I say, don't assume they don't know, I mean there may be a logical reason as to why they made that decision they would make more sense with some explaining. Now, let's talk about the off-chance leadership makes a decision and just doesn't care about the outcome. You may need to find other leadership.
3. Don't assume approaching the subject will be confrontational. More times than not, a resolution never comes because there is always a fear of confrontation. Proactive communication will prevent confrontation, except for those who just seek to be divisive. More times than not, I have heard people say things such as "Thank you for bringing this up, I have been wanting to address this and have been putting it off." If a conversation does get confrontational, to keep things in a loving spirit, you have the right to remove yourself from the situation. If a person has a history of verbal abuse set your boundaries upfront. Use language like "My goal for this conversation is to find some positive resolution to our situation. However, if you start calling me names or screaming profanity slurs I just want you to know I will remove myself from the conversation. I would expect you to do the same if I cross your boundaries as well." This clarifies your boundaries, is not accusatory, and dissipates the shock if you do get up to leave.
4. Don't approach someone to say "I forgive you." This is like backing a truck up to a stangers' house and dumping your stuff off all while saying "I thought you'd want this." For one, the person has not asked for forgiveness. Two, the person may not even think there is anything to forgive. Forgiveness starts in your heart and then through prayer hopefully the third party comes to you to seek forgiveness. You at this point have already forgiven this person within your heart and released it to the Lord so that conversation would essentially go very smoothly. 
5. Forgiveness is not the release of power to the other person. Forgiveness is the releasing of burden unto the Lord. It is up to the Lord whether he brings a person to accountability. As Christians, we battle the conviction of the Holy Spirit. For a non-believer, some may say, it is whether there is an understanding of conscious common sense. 
6. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. There are instances where reconciliation is gifted. You may want a reconciliation with a friend or sibling. There are other times when abuse or other toxic behaviors may be unlikely for there to be resolved for safety reasons. In other words, don't go looking to hang out with someone who once abused you or was an addiction enabler. We know it is easier for one to drag another down than to pull another up.
7. Our responsibility is prayer. Regardless of whether the person seeks forgiveness, ever thinks they did anything wrong, ever accepts our apology, or ever changes their lifestyle we simply are called to love them through prayer. Prayer for a spiritual change to their situation but do not become entrapped to the idea that you can save someone. Let God be God. Let God do what he does best and you just trust his process.

1 Cor 13:11
James 4:17
Eph 4:25
James 5:10
Ez 33:8
James 5:16
A course I highly recommend is by Bruce Heble "Forgiving Forward"
https://www.forgivingforward.com/

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