How To Disciple Crisis: Sexual Abuse

Let me start by saying no two abuse victims' experiences are the same. There are many types of abuse: rape, child molestation, incest, harassment, and so on. Each category comes with its level of offense. Age is also a factor in the experience. Some can't remember much, others remember details as if it were yesterday.

Approaching trauma. When people first hear of an incident two reactions often occur: running to the family or withholding communication from the family. Some feel like they don't want to intrude however, this can feel like abandonment to the family. Others may just show up at the family's house without realizing the toll it has taken on the family. If the incident is with a child, make sure when communicating empathy that you do not just communicate with the parents. The child is the one who has experienced the trauma and yet most often people only approach the parents with sympathy. You must make the child feel safe, loved, and consistent. If you have a child or teen who is approaching returning to youth group after an incident, make someone who they already know and trust be a partner. This person should make it clear to the child that they are there for them in whatever situation feels safe to them. Some may want you to sit with them, others may feel this draws too much attention for them. Some may not be comfortable going to certain places such as the bathroom alone. It does not hurt to have a friend, the same age, who can assist in partnership. The teen intern you decide to ask this of, must have some level of discipleship training, be informed not to ask questions, and should be trained to report to leadership if someone was to mention self-harm. This should not be confused with "feeling" as though someone was struggling with something. When someone is aware of fragility they can see things in people they normally wouldn't. Stick to listening and responding to only the words the person has spoken. Emotions, sensitivity, and attention can all be temporarily heightened which can confuse us if we are looking for social cues to depict how someone is feeling. Make sure to ask not just the parents what they need during this time but directly ask the child what they need. Sometimes we think we know what one person needs when it's another. We can assume a person is processing the incident in one stage of grief when it's another. So ask.

Triggers. When dealing with a sexual abuse victim, be aware that most victims have triggers. These could be in a variety of different sensory fields. Some might be triggered by a sound, smell, day of the year, taste, object, etc. The person may not even be aware of its trigger until it occurs. A consequence of the trigger may be crying, screaming, rocking, shaking, urinating, throwing up, sleepiness, etc. In some cases, this is long-term, in others, it can be outgrown. DO NOT address this with comments such as "You aren't past that yet" or "You're still dealing with that?" The timeline of traumatic abuse triggers is different for everyone. Be consistent with the individual through the highs and lows. They just need to know you are nearby.

PTSD. We most often associate PTSD with anger or violence. We rarely list the other attributes that come with PTSD such as perseveration, hypervigilance, irritability, sleep disturbances, detachment, disengagement, self-destructive behavior, and blackouts. Things you can't say are, "You need to move on." Be very patient with PTSD. Simply allow the person to come to you with concerns and allow them to talk when they are ready. The main thing is to stay consistent with the individual.
 
The stages of grief are as follows:
denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

Depending on when a person has gone through a person may get lodged in a phase of grief for longer than others. This all depends on the level of care they have received such as therapy, family support, church support, school support, friendships, and community support. Sometimes a person experienced trauma 20-30 years ago but was never allowed the proper tools to process the trauma all the way through. There are times a victim has been victimized multiple times, once from an incident and again from community/family/church rejection. Shame, fear, or depression can keep a person from reaching acceptance. Always encourage an individual, no matter the time-lapse, to seek to process the trauma. Closer comes from processing the grief process fully and without skipping a stage/step.

5 Positive things you can do:

1. Speak to the individual as a person not as a victim. When you change the tone in your voice, widen your eyes, or tiptoe around words it can be very offputting. The person is already going through enough, don't add discomfort by acting new/different/odd around the individual.
2. Allow them the space to process extreme emotions. Know that ANGER is very much a part of the grief process. Allow the person a respectable amount of time to process that anger. Refrain from such contexts as "anger is a sin" or "you need to forgive not be angry." The person must come to a place of acceptance before they can EVER get to a place of processing forgiveness or regaining control of their typical emotions. I say typically because trauma brings on emotional outbursts or anxiety that may not be typically associated with one's normal personality. You might say that person has changed or is acting differently. That is an unfortunate side effect of trauma. This could be a forever change in which the community needs to adapt with not pressure what others may see as "normal." This may very well be their new normal personality. However, in some cases, the change can be temporary. One may find themselves back to their old selves after a certain passing of time. There is no set time to determine a temporary or long-term state. Either way, neither are protected solutions from likely PTSD triggers. People can go very long lengths of time not being affected and then one day experience extreme emotional difficulty or anxiety. Things that can trigger this are a child reaching the age of a traumatic incident, revisiting a location after a long period of time, a smell/sound/or item that has been omitted from daily exposure, etc. Everyone needs to allow this experience to process fully. Do not deny the experience, try to reduce the impact, or attempt to convince others. Their experience is their experience. 
3. Invest in the individual's future. Sometimes a great way to process things is to look forward not backward. We can often look at a person who has experienced a public trauma and think only of the incident. When we invest in the communication and progression of a person's future we not only give them hope but we learn to not see the person only for the hardship they have experienced. This can at times be considered labeling. We label someone a victim in our minds and so we treat them as such. We can also label a person as difficult in our minds if someone is not "healing fast enough." We need to refrain from labeling even subconsciously so we can treat others with humanity and help in the healing process.
4. Know when to say nothing. Being present and listening is at times the most effective way to help a victim of sexual abuse. They need to feel heard, not judged and certainly allowed to speak without shame. Notice I said present and listening. This is not an invitation to withdraw. Some might say "We were just trying to give the family space." Withdraw feels like abandonment, it perpetuates the idea of shame and it causes depression. Show up emotionally and physically even if there is nothing to be said by either party. They remember those who sat quietly with them, let them cry, let them be angry, and let them process things in their own time. Show the love of Christ simply by allowing God's community to walk with them, not push them or pull them but walk with them. 
5. Focus on whoever you are speaking to. It can be easy for a third party to try and fit their interpretation of healing into someone else's experience. You may think saying things like "You need to pray for your abuser" or "Imagine how your parents feel" might in some way bring healing to a situation as a whole. That isn't your job, it isn't anyone's job. It is up to God how each person processes an experience and He can meet anyone wherever they are at. It is your responsibility and your only responsibility to be present with whomever the Lord has given you a chance to be an example of love to. So if you are dealing with the victim, stick to only processing how the victim is feeling and listen for their cues to where they are in the healing process. If you are talking to parents, focus on how they are processing their new reality, not the experience of the victim. Help them process navigating this new season especially if they have other children. they should be supported in balancing time, responsibility, fear, anxiety, depression, and judgment as a parent. If you are speaking to the abuser focus on what they did not anything that involves the victim or their family. Again, your job isn't to bring restoration your job is to love while God meets them where they are at and heals.

Psalm 34:4-5

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