How To Disciple Gossip

How to approach Gossip in the Church.

Maybe you have associated prayer circles with the term "gossip circles." Maybe you associate church as a whole part of a "gossip circle." So here I am going to break down the APPROPRIATE AND INAPPROPRIATE ways to share vital information.

Keep at the forefront always these two things: Confidence and Care. Am I sharing this information giving in confidence because I care? Will ___ care if I share what was told to me in confidence? Will I care if I show to be someone who lacks integrity with what is shared with me in confidence?

1. Let's call this category THREATS. Let's say you are a Children's Ministry leader and a parent approaches you and says "My child can only be picked up from me because I have a restraining order for the kids against their abusive dad." 

First, we ask for documentation. Provided that there is proof of the circumstance, we can then ask for any other necessary details that would help us understand the situation to best serve the kids. If there can be a photo provided that shows us who the other parent is that would be helpful. 

From here, we need to inform security of this person's description and make sure they are not lurking around the children's ministry department. 

Third, we inform the classroom volunteers of ONLY the necessary details "You have Jenna in your class, unfortunately, mom and dad are going through some difficulties that involve safety. Please do not allow the child to be unsupervised even if to run down the hall to use the restroom. If anyone approaches the classroom make eye contact with a patrolling security teammate." 

What does not need to happen is giving juice details of an incident. Remind the volunteers that we are talking about the safety of a child so discretion is vital. Give comfort to the volunteers that you have appropriate protocols in place to handle such a situation so no one feels overwhelmed or fearful. 

2. We will call this category "Heavy Context"

We are going to give each person a title for unintentional or intentional gossip of information.

"The Manager"

Someone who shares information with appropriate parties in the hopes to find a resolution.

Let's say someone shares that their husband is beating them. A "Manager" may volunteer to share the information with a friend who is a cop to get more helpful information. Maybe they share information with a friend who is an attorney to discuss how they might help a friend out of this situation. This is an intentional behavior with a positive intention. If you do not want the person you are sharing information with to speak to any parties that boundary needs to be made clear upfront.

 "The Hot Potato"

Someone who receives heavy information and can not manage the expectations, therefore, throws the responsibility onto someone else.

Let's say someone shares something heavy such as, "I have an addiction to my pain medication." Someone may be thinking, "I am not equipped to deal with this." Therefore, the person receiving the information looks to the nearest person to dump the responsibility onto, which results in the spreading of information.

"The Ice Queen"

Someone who avoids being ever told anything and uses disengagement as a judgment.

This person may avoid eye contact or refuse to acknowledge someone after finding something out either by 1st party or 3rd party. This person spreads gossip by omission. Let's say someone notices "Hey, I noticed you and Christina aren't talking much these days. Is everything ok?" Even saying, "Umm, I can't say why but there's just a lot going on there," starts the wheels spinning for others and before you know it people are poking around to see what is going on with Christina. 

How to control Gossip.

Close the Circle. You may think that sounds like a click but it isn't. Who you trust to receive your heavy situation and the weight of the experiences from your friends in your friend group is a safety decision.

Keep context to 1st party experiences. Ask yourself "Is it my experience to share."

It's ok to admit you do not know all the answers. When handed heavy information that you do not feel equipped to handle: ask if they just need a listener first, ask if they can involve someone more qualified to speak words of wisdom on the topic, and respect the answer.

If you are sharing something heavy ask the question "Am I putting a lot on you?' Answer Honestly. 

Process information together. Don't abandon. Don't over-engage. Give time to process and talk through a crisis as opposed to sharing misinformation causing more crisis and harm.

Acts 5

There is accountability when we act in self-preservation. We need to be cautious that our actions don't harm God's People or God's Church to relieve ourselves of responsibility. It's ok to not know what to do. It is not ok to cause more harm to someone who is already going through difficult times. 

Proverbs 20:19

Proverbs 18:21

Leviticus 19:16

1 Timothy 5:13