How To Disciple Through Self Harm

When a person discloses they are self-harming, the immediate reaction is to fall into panic. Many people experience panic differently. For some, they freeze not having a clue what to say next or maybe even forgetting to breathe. Some may fall into the only language they know at the moment, "I'll pray for you." Others panic and tell someone who is ALSO unequipped to handle the situation. Someone may even say nothing and just refuse to make eye contact on the next exchange. 

So how do we approach such a topic without overreacting or losing the individual's trust?

You will hear me say, or read me type, this so many times it will be a running joke I'm certain. Your first and only responsibility at the moment is to LISTEN.

No one on planet Earth is expecting you to have the most perfect sentence just lingering on the tip of your tongue. They are expecting you to love them unconditionally and that means to sit quietly and listen. 

Once you have a good understanding of, "ok I am not panicking I am simply listening," then you start asking questions that DO NOT pertain to the act of self-harm.

Why don't we bring up how, when, and where (how many times have you done this, when did you start, where do you do it) because we do not look to glorify the act? This is expected and it adds a new layer to the addiction. You ask things such as: WHO is someone close to you that you trust, WHAT happened in your life just before you started to self-harm, HAVE you told anyone about this before? These types of questions allow space for self-reflection, a curation of timeline, an opportunity to involve another safe person in the conversation and more opportunity for the person to feel heard by giving attention to her/him without the consequence of approving a harmful behavior with attention. This goes for cutting, anorexia, bulimia, and other such self-mutilations.

"Will this fall on me to fix him/her?"

The answer is NO if you invoke the right parties. Let's say the person says "I can trust my aunt Brenda" This tells us we can involve Aunt Brenda in the conversation to help navigate home life, keep accountability outside yourself, and also allow the person to not feel as though you went behind their back. 

Listening to cues can help guide you into the next steps. Let's Say Tom tells us "It started after I was bullied at school." We will then know that Tom may need to involve Mom and Dad in school communication in safety, we may need to involve a counselor for bullying therapy, and we may need a counselor to teach us new ways to manage negative experiences.

Forgetting key details can at times cause distrust and a lack of confidence in the person to continue trusting you with the truth. Therefore, keeping a journal can be very helpful if you are disciplining someone who struggles. 

Mark 5:2–5

Leviticus 19:28

1 Kings 18:24–29

In these scriptures, you will find an association to self-harm in the context of demonic oppression or paganism. These verses are here in context to identify the behavior. The goal of Crisis Communication is to keep the language in a loving manner that calls for change. We don't want to encourage the behavior for attention and also do not want to judge or condemn someone for which they are processing pain. Our goal is to heal the person not judge the process. We know prayer to work in and through these changes. Keeping an open door policy in hopes that they feel loved enough to come back another day. 

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